Heart and Bail Money

I am overwhelmingly tired. I am sad. I am depressed. I have been in bed for almost a week. I am moody to the point of bitchiness. I am sullen. I have cried more in this last week and a half than I care to tell you about. I feel empty. In this time, I have only reached out to a few people. Not because I don't have people around me to support me but because I don't want to feel like a burden to them. In the times that I do reach out, the question that everyone asks me is "what do you need?" Even my therapist has asked me this question. I still cannot answer it. Because I feel so empty, I don't know what I need to fill it back up. I was told that I'm a mother , I'm not allowed to shut down. I was also told that this week when the only thing that comforted me was sleep and a dark room, that some people wouldn't or didn't notice it because it's what I do anyway. Both of these statements hurt my feelings. Sometimes I think, what do I have to

When I was in the 5th grade, I was in the Future Educators of America Society. I didn't think about what that meant for me then but I wanted to be a member because I was able to work in the school office and answer the phones. Fast forward 8 years to my freshman year of college where I had declared myself an English Education major. After two years of the program I decided that I didn't like the education component so I stuck with the English part and graduated with a BA in English. Not sure what I would or could do with such a degree, I did what I could for as long as I could to make some money. In the summer following graduation I worked in Washington DC as an intern. About a week before I was due to come home, I got a call from my sister-friend who happened to be the brand new principal at our parish school. She asked me if I wanted to teach. Here's a timeline. August 11, 2006: Come home from DC August 13, 2006: Go to church, talk to my sister-friend who told me t

In the twist of all twist's, I have writer's block. I'm supposed to be writing something that needs to be submitted in a little less than a month. I've been trying ever so hard to get it at least half done so I can go back and edit and do whatever I need to do with it before submitting it. That has not happened. I've been "working" on it for about two weeks now. In my head, I think I may have written it about three or four times but when it comes times to actually put pen to paper.... NOTHING. It's rather annoying. Over the last week, I've been intentionally reading more about the topic that I'm writing about so see if I can strum up some ideas. I've been scouring the internet looking for something that will inspire me to sit down and be able to take the thoughts out of my head to be able to write them down on paper. I'm even reading children's books to see if they can be a source of inspiration. A little divine inspiration woul

For a long time, I always seemed to think of the glass as being half empty. I usually thought in worse case scenarios. In my mind, I was setting myself up to not get hurt. I was preparing myself for rejection. I was guarding myself from mean people. I always had a wall up. There were very few people that could penetrate that wall. It was like a fortress. I was not cold hearted or anything like that. I just chose very carefully who I allowed in my space because I almost intrinsically thought that anyone new in my life was going to somehow hurt me or use me. I thought in worse case scenarios. In my head, people would not like me or they would only want to be my friend because I had the answers for the tests. I never fully believed that people WANTED to be in my life. Even now, though I am married with children, and have a close knit group of friends that love me, I still get scared that people are going to hurt me. I'm trying to learn to just be thankful that there is something i

The fact that I've named this blog what it is named is not indicative of the fact that I will somehow need bail money. It does not mean that I'm living the life of some thug and my mugshot will be splattered all over the news because I've done something that will cause my bond to be so high that the only way it could be paid is with the blood of a lamb on a altar on a high mountain somewhere. I know that I've said this before but the way that some people in authority are abusing their 'power,' I do not think I want to have a run in with them anyway. I know my attitude. I know my mouth. I know that I can be a bit arrogant and I do not want the combination of those things to land me not only in jail but possibly body bruised in the name of justice...but I digress. I was talking with some women from church about a week ago and I was telling them the name of my blog and about some other things that I will be using my writing skills for. When I told them them the

I've been thinking a lot about friendship lately. There are times when I feel like I'm the worst friend in the world. A while ago, I pointed out that I'm a bit of a flake. I stand by that. I also stand by the fact that those who are my FRIENDS know that about me and love me anyway. The other night a friend of mine needed some sista girl time. I got in my mama's minivan and rushed over there (TRYING to abide by speed limits). I didn't have to say much to her and she didn't need to say much to me. It was just good to be in her presence and I'm almost certain the feeling was mutual. I am so humbled by the people in my life. They are truly a blessing to me. There are times when I'm sure that I would be stuck in my own head had it not been for them. They all bring something different to my life and for that I am eternally grateful. Good friends are important to me because they bring out the best in me and inspire me to be better. I've got a friend w

There are some really cool things happening in my life right now. When all is set in stone, I'll let you know about them. In the meantime, while I'm excited about them, I'm just a bit scared. Well, take that back, I'm a whole lot of scared because I don't want to fall flat on my face. I got an email from an editor of the local Catholic newspaper the other day making some observations about my writing. I didn't take offense because they were constructive and mostly good but it did make me just as scared about some of the things that are going on in my life (hint, hint). I'm moving into some new things and some new areas pretty soon. I don't want to be overconfident about my ability to do them well but I also don't want to be so scared that I am like a bump on a log not making any progress. This picture reminds me that for EVERY DAY God reminds me and you not to live in fear. He wants us to move into every opportunity in front of us unafraid and f

Today, I celebrate my 33rd birthday! Happy birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Yes, I just sang the birthday song to myself. So what? You probably to do it too. I must say, I love my birthday. For me, it's not a matter of getting gifts (although they are ALWAYS accepted) or going out for drinks (although a glass of wine is ALWAYS nice). For me, my birthday is time to truly appreciate the fact that I'm able to celebrate my life. In the last few years, there have been too many times when I thought that my life was not worth living. There were too many times that I thought that the stuff in my life was too much for me to deal with. Last year I CRIED all day on my birthday because I was so stuck in a depressive episode that I couldn't appreciate the fact that God had given me another year to say THANK YOU!!! I live with depression and anxiety. I have to go through it sometimes (sometimes way more than I'd like but such is life).

We live in a microwave society. Everything can be accessed at the push of a button or a click of the mouse. Things are very instant. Sometimes, I feel like a microwave Christian. It's like I ask God for something and I expect it to happen right then and there. There are times when I want God to pull a rabbit out of His hat and have just what I asked for available to me right then. I know, God does not work like that. He does not grant wishes like a genie. Nor does He have a deck of cards that He can perform great mind-blowing tricks with. The Book of Isaiah says: "They that wait on the Lord, will renew their strength" (Is. 40:31). As Biblical prophets go, Isaiah seemed to know his stuff but I'm going to go ahead and say it: waiting SUCKS! I have to remember that sometimes waiting for something is God's way of pruning me and preparing me for what WILL come. Waiting is a test of will power that sometimes, I don't think I have. Waiting on something to happen

I'm a bit of a flake. I'll admit it. I'll say that I'm going to do something and somehow, some way, I don't do it. Sometimes I can't even give an answer to a question where a simple yes or no will suffice. If I'm honest about why that is, the bottom line answer is, like I said, I'm a flake. There are a whole host of other reasons why this might be the case ranging from me not wanting to be bothered to the tragedy of being so overwhelmed that I feel like I'm really going to go insane if I do something or if I give a simple yes or no. Last week, I had a friend call me and text me and instant message me a question that could very easily been answered with a simple yes or no. I couldn't do it. Yes, I continued to randomly post things on my social media pages where we were friends and she could see that I was posting but not answering. That for me did not require much thought. It didn't make me feel like if I said one thing and did another that

It seems like forever since I've done this. Life has been hectic. I'm still trying to figure out if it has been a good hectic or not. I do know that depression sucks. For about a week and a half, I was so overwhelmed by it that the thought of getting out of bed caused anxiety. When I did get out of bed, putting on clean clothes was a major accomplishment. It sucked the life out of me for a solid week and a half. Yes, I still deal with it but I'm learning to savor the little moments that are joyfilled. Depression can sometimes overshadow those small moments. There have been some GREAT things going on in my life though that I want to share with you, Here's a list: 1. I got a job! It is an assignment that will last until the end of the year. While it is only a few months, it is a job that could lead to a longer lasting job and this job will allow me to help people help themselves. 2. I've been asked to be a guest speaker for a young adult speaking series in the fal

I offended someone this week for being concerned for their well being. Sadly, they did not see it that way. My assumption is that they took it as me being nosey or trying to be all in their business. Whatever the reason they were so offended by it that I got an angry phone call full of loaded words and insults and a subsequent unfriending on Facebook. This story is not uncommom. Often times when we are offended or if someone has made us mad, one of the first things we do is go to our social media avenues and unfriend, unfollow, and block the offending party. WE. ALL. DO. IT. We do not take the time to pick up the phone (other than to go to our social media pages) call the other person and TALK it out. It's unfortunate. Great relationships end and can seemingly never be repaired because of our actions on social media.  While I am not upset or hurt by the actions of the person who called me with colorful words then unfriended me, it made me glad that God won't just push a

Dear Nanci, Today you are feeling like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Today you're wondering why everyone always seems to dump onto you their own insecurities by way of curse words, rude words, or no words at all. Today you are feeling like you're fighting an uphill battle. Today is one of those days that if the wrong person does the wrong thing, says the wrong thing, look at you the wrong way, even BREATH in wrong way, you HOPE your sister has the bail money at the ready. You know that the reality is, you WON'T do anything that will literally land you in jail, however you're having one of those days where you feel you're going to snap at any giving moment. You are feeling kind blah and don't know what to do. You're keeping busy just so that you're not in bed all day which is really what you want to be doing. You know that this is vital for you because the minute you allow yourself to slip into a depressive episode, you're going to f

My daughters started school this week. For some reason it seems to me that kids are starting school earlier in the year than when I was going to school. I have the feeling that it was closer to Labor Day that we went back. Oh, well. They go back when they go back. I have a kindergartner and a first grader. If you read the last blog post, you'd know how amazingly blessed I am to even be able to say that. This was a very interesting week to say the least. First off, I had uniform skirts that I had bought last school year for my oldest that were too big for her last year (still are actually, she's a tall and lean child) but about a month ago were just the right size for my youngest one. ABOUT A MONTH AGO! Oh Mary, Mother of God, the WEEK before school started, the Holy Spirit told me to try them on her again. They fit, but they wouldn't for any long period of time. They were snug! This girl is growing at a pace that is unbelievable to me. I had already planned to get her the p

I was 7 months pregnant when I got married. Yes, I put the cart before the horse but I was engaged when I got pregnant and the sacrament of reconciliation is an amazing gift of God's grace. What is so cool about my being pregnant in my wedding g dress is the fact that I was pregnant at all. In my early twenties, I was told by doctors that because of the irregularities in my monthly installment of being born a woman, I might not be able to have children. Because of other issues that I had, I was further told that if I WERE to become pregnant then I would probably miscarry. I had written off the idea of having children. I had accepted the idea that I would not have children. I was okay with that. When I learned that I was pregnant, I thought God was playing tricks on me. I had several conversations with Him, wondering if He knew who He was entrusting another life with. Then, after all those midnight conversations about actually being pregnant, I became overwhelmingly scared. Didn

Sometimes I just want to get a staple gun and about 100 of my resumes and staple them on telephone posts scattered throughout the city hoping that someone somewhere will see it and know how awesome I would be in their company. I have been unemployed for seems like ages but in reality it has only been a little over a year. I left my last job at a Religion Teacher because I felt a tug on my spirit telling me to move on. I followed the tug and I'm patiently waiting for it to land me in the place where I'm supposed to be. It is difficult sometimes not to feel worthless when you are a married mother of two who does not contribute financially to the household. It's easy to feel like you're bringing nothing to the table. I've had about 4 job interviews in the last month or so to no avail. I've got another one today. Sometimes, just sometimes, I find myself wondering "What the hell is wrong with you Nanci?" Then I hear the Holy Spirit tell me, "what I hav

I wrote the following a little over 5 years ago and I think it rings true to me now as it did then. It speaks to the knowledge that God DOES see the best in us. God truly knows my heart. He knows your heart. He uses people that don't even know you exist to send His message of love. This time it was through gospel music artist, Marvin Sapp and his song "He Saw the Best in Me" Are there times when you just have a hard time knowing you are truly loved? Well the following shows that this is not a new feeling for me and it is something that five years later, I'm still working on enjoy! (I was pregnant with Myah when I wrote it and an emotional roller coaster) He Saw the Best in me, when everyone else around me could only see the worst in me! I love Marvin Sapp for it seems as though whenever I'm going through it's as if God comes to him and says "Nanci needs to hear these words." I'll be honest, it feels personal. When I started on this journ

If you are reading this right now, let me tell you just how humbled, honored, amazed and confused I am. Yes, I said confused. One of the areas that God and I are working on is the ability for me to see my own worth and value. How does that relate to me being confused by you taking the time to read the ramblings of a person you may or may not know? EVERYTHING Have you ever felt like once you leave a place, no one will remember you? Yeah? Well, I feel like that almost everyday. Its not that I do not know that people will know me or remember me, it's that I do not expect them to. Again, this is one of the areas that God and I (and my therapist) are working on but it is a reality of my life. I really love to write. I do it every day almost. If not here then in my personal journal. Being a 'blogger,' I'm learning is cathartic for me but I do it without the expectation that is will be read, commented on, shared, or even 'featured' (shout out to my West Side Girl

BAIL MONEY CREW I thought  I would introduce you to my bail money crew. These two women have my back no matter what at all times. On the left, that's me, Nanci. I'm the baby (I'm not the youngest though, being the baby is a state of mind not just a number!) In the middle is my sister, Nedia; she's literally my BEST FRIEND. No, she doesn't like pictures and she'll probably kill me knowing that I posted this (shhh, don't tell her). On the right, that's my mama, Johnnie. Yes, she's a woman named Johnnie and no, it's not Johnnie Mae it's just Johnnie. These are the women that I want to be when I grow up one day. Like any siblings growing up, we had our rivalries and we had our arguments but as we've become women, we've become more than sisters. When I am at my lowest, she's there for me. She'll listen without judgment and I appreciate that. I also think she's pretty darn cute. I would consider my mama a great woman even i

I'm not an expert on any mental health issue. I'm not an expert on the need for mental health care reform in the country. I'm not even an expert on MY OWN mental health issue. What I am is way tired of trying ever so hard to get the help that I need only to get the run around way too often to be comfortable with. In the Spring of last year, I wanted to die. Not a figurative death. I wanted to no longer be on this side of the dirt. I was lonely. I was overwhelmed. I felt like no one wanted me around. I felt worthless and a whole host of other things. I didn't even want to leave the house. The thought of just sitting on the porch caused me great anxiety. It was one of the lowest points in my life. It was difficult. I had a plan and everything. I knew how I was going to go and when I would do it. I was screaming for help. It's nothing but the grace of God that I have people in my life that held my hand, literally and figuratively, encouraging me to seek professiona

Today I literally had to tell an older White man that my Black would not rub off on him. Here's the story... I was at a carpenters union picnic at a small amusement park and while the only carpenter I know is Jesus and His daddy I was able to be there with my family to enjoy myself.  My kids (my two girls, my nephewson RJ, and my niece) wanted to ride the train that does a 3-5 minute 360 around the park. SO in the line we stood. Not only was it really freaking hot, but a group of people (both kids and adults) cut the line and really, really bothered me. When the train got there we were literally the last group of people to get on (we would not have been had those other folks not cut the line but I digress...). Because of where I sit the kids and because this older man was sitting by himself (right behind my kids), I sat with him. First of all, the seats are not hippie girl friendly. I knew this going in. They also are not conducive for a person taller than 5'2&qu

I saw this in a store one night when I was feeling awful about life. My anxiety was on ten and I could not for the life of me figure out what I was in the store for to begin with. I have moments like that. Have you? If so, just know that you are NOT alone. Anyway, I walked past this and as I stood there in the aisle reading this, I cried... In a world of perfect waists, firm backsides, ample bosoms, and everything Kardashian, it can be difficult to look in the mirror love who you are. I mean really?! That night, while standing in the store, not knowing what I was in the store for, I cried and cried and cried thinking that God put this sign in an aisle that I was not supposed to be in. He wanted me to know that in a world where pretty fades, a beautiful soul lasts. Being made in the image and likeness of God is not a small thing to take in. It's like He took the time out of His busy schedule to mold me and make me and shape me. The old adage is that God don't make no junk

I was not going to post another blog today. I was not. I was just going to introduce my blog to the world and let it be. Clearly, that's not what is happening. Since this is really a way for me to grow in a lot of ways, I thought I would share my experience shortly after I posted my first post. I am a work in progress... You ever had someone say or do something to you so foul that you swore that the next time you saw them that you would give it to them guns blazing from both barrels? Well, maybe you haven't but I have on several occasions and today was just that day. I had a family member come over to the house that I did not think I would see for a while because of an over the phone altercation that we had about a week and a half ago. He came over, sat on the porch and acted like nothing had ever happened. The nerve! I was heated. I mean I was totally and completely upset. I wanted to go to him and ask him with every bit of attitude I know that I have why he thought it was o

I love God. I love to talk. I love to write. I love my older sister. I thought that maybe I would sit down and share with you how this love is combined. I also thought that I would share with you all my flaws. I have a lot of them. That's why my sister undeniably has my bail money. No, I don't think that I'll do anything that will ever land me in jail (with the way that folks are dying in jails and whatnot, that would not be a good look) but it's the point that no matter what, I know that my sister has my back. I've got a lot of people in my life that also have my back but there is something about my older sister that I know that I know that I know that I know, she's got me no matter what. Kinda like the love God has for me. I see God in my sister...I'm rambling but I hope that you take this ride with me and enjoy the process as much as I think I will as well. Let's GO!!!! Be blessed. Be bold. Be beautiful. Nanci