Heart and Bail Money

Dear Nanci, Today you are feeling like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Today you're wondering why everyone always seems to dump onto you their own insecurities by way of curse words, rude words, or no words at all. Today you are feeling like you're fighting an uphill battle. Today is one of those days that if the wrong person does the wrong thing, says the wrong thing, look at you the wrong way, even BREATH in wrong way, you HOPE your sister has the bail money at the ready. You know that the reality is, you WON'T do anything that will literally land you in jail, however you're having one of those days where you feel you're going to snap at any giving moment. You are feeling kind blah and don't know what to do. You're keeping busy just so that you're not in bed all day which is really what you want to be doing. You know that this is vital for you because the minute you allow yourself to slip into a depressive episode, you're going to f...

My daughters started school this week. For some reason it seems to me that kids are starting school earlier in the year than when I was going to school. I have the feeling that it was closer to Labor Day that we went back. Oh, well. They go back when they go back. I have a kindergartner and a first grader. If you read the last blog post, you'd know how amazingly blessed I am to even be able to say that. This was a very interesting week to say the least. First off, I had uniform skirts that I had bought last school year for my oldest that were too big for her last year (still are actually, she's a tall and lean child) but about a month ago were just the right size for my youngest one. ABOUT A MONTH AGO! Oh Mary, Mother of God, the WEEK before school started, the Holy Spirit told me to try them on her again. They fit, but they wouldn't for any long period of time. They were snug! This girl is growing at a pace that is unbelievable to me. I had already planned to get her the p...

I was 7 months pregnant when I got married. Yes, I put the cart before the horse but I was engaged when I got pregnant and the sacrament of reconciliation is an amazing gift of God's grace. What is so cool about my being pregnant in my wedding g dress is the fact that I was pregnant at all. In my early twenties, I was told by doctors that because of the irregularities in my monthly installment of being born a woman, I might not be able to have children. Because of other issues that I had, I was further told that if I WERE to become pregnant then I would probably miscarry. I had written off the idea of having children. I had accepted the idea that I would not have children. I was okay with that. When I learned that I was pregnant, I thought God was playing tricks on me. I had several conversations with Him, wondering if He knew who He was entrusting another life with. Then, after all those midnight conversations about actually being pregnant, I became overwhelmingly scared. Didn...

Sometimes I just want to get a staple gun and about 100 of my resumes and staple them on telephone posts scattered throughout the city hoping that someone somewhere will see it and know how awesome I would be in their company. I have been unemployed for seems like ages but in reality it has only been a little over a year. I left my last job at a Religion Teacher because I felt a tug on my spirit telling me to move on. I followed the tug and I'm patiently waiting for it to land me in the place where I'm supposed to be. It is difficult sometimes not to feel worthless when you are a married mother of two who does not contribute financially to the household. It's easy to feel like you're bringing nothing to the table. I've had about 4 job interviews in the last month or so to no avail. I've got another one today. Sometimes, just sometimes, I find myself wondering "What the hell is wrong with you Nanci?" Then I hear the Holy Spirit tell me, "what I hav...

I wrote the following a little over 5 years ago and I think it rings true to me now as it did then. It speaks to the knowledge that God DOES see the best in us. God truly knows my heart. He knows your heart. He uses people that don't even know you exist to send His message of love. This time it was through gospel music artist, Marvin Sapp and his song "He Saw the Best in Me" Are there times when you just have a hard time knowing you are truly loved? Well the following shows that this is not a new feeling for me and it is something that five years later, I'm still working on enjoy! (I was pregnant with Myah when I wrote it and an emotional roller coaster) He Saw the Best in me, when everyone else around me could only see the worst in me! I love Marvin Sapp for it seems as though whenever I'm going through it's as if God comes to him and says "Nanci needs to hear these words." I'll be honest, it feels personal. When I started on this journ...

If you are reading this right now, let me tell you just how humbled, honored, amazed and confused I am. Yes, I said confused. One of the areas that God and I are working on is the ability for me to see my own worth and value. How does that relate to me being confused by you taking the time to read the ramblings of a person you may or may not know? EVERYTHING Have you ever felt like once you leave a place, no one will remember you? Yeah? Well, I feel like that almost everyday. Its not that I do not know that people will know me or remember me, it's that I do not expect them to. Again, this is one of the areas that God and I (and my therapist) are working on but it is a reality of my life. I really love to write. I do it every day almost. If not here then in my personal journal. Being a 'blogger,' I'm learning is cathartic for me but I do it without the expectation that is will be read, commented on, shared, or even 'featured' (shout out to my West Side Girl...

BAIL MONEY CREW I thought  I would introduce you to my bail money crew. These two women have my back no matter what at all times. On the left, that's me, Nanci. I'm the baby (I'm not the youngest though, being the baby is a state of mind not just a number!) In the middle is my sister, Nedia; she's literally my BEST FRIEND. No, she doesn't like pictures and she'll probably kill me knowing that I posted this (shhh, don't tell her). On the right, that's my mama, Johnnie. Yes, she's a woman named Johnnie and no, it's not Johnnie Mae it's just Johnnie. These are the women that I want to be when I grow up one day. Like any siblings growing up, we had our rivalries and we had our arguments but as we've become women, we've become more than sisters. When I am at my lowest, she's there for me. She'll listen without judgment and I appreciate that. I also think she's pretty darn cute. I would consider my mama a great woman even i...

I'm not an expert on any mental health issue. I'm not an expert on the need for mental health care reform in the country. I'm not even an expert on MY OWN mental health issue. What I am is way tired of trying ever so hard to get the help that I need only to get the run around way too often to be comfortable with. In the Spring of last year, I wanted to die. Not a figurative death. I wanted to no longer be on this side of the dirt. I was lonely. I was overwhelmed. I felt like no one wanted me around. I felt worthless and a whole host of other things. I didn't even want to leave the house. The thought of just sitting on the porch caused me great anxiety. It was one of the lowest points in my life. It was difficult. I had a plan and everything. I knew how I was going to go and when I would do it. I was screaming for help. It's nothing but the grace of God that I have people in my life that held my hand, literally and figuratively, encouraging me to seek professiona...

Today I literally had to tell an older White man that my Black would not rub off on him. Here's the story... I was at a carpenters union picnic at a small amusement park and while the only carpenter I know is Jesus and His daddy I was able to be there with my family to enjoy myself.  My kids (my two girls, my nephewson RJ, and my niece) wanted to ride the train that does a 3-5 minute 360 around the park. SO in the line we stood. Not only was it really freaking hot, but a group of people (both kids and adults) cut the line and really, really bothered me. When the train got there we were literally the last group of people to get on (we would not have been had those other folks not cut the line but I digress...). Because of where I sit the kids and because this older man was sitting by himself (right behind my kids), I sat with him. First of all, the seats are not hippie girl friendly. I knew this going in. They also are not conducive for a person taller than 5'2...