Heart and Bail Money

In November of 2015, I wrote a brief description of the full title of this blog. For those of you who are new to this journey with me, allow me to give you the title to this here masterpiece in its totality: God Know My Heart but My Sister Has My Bail Money I invite you to read  I'm Not Going To Jail . In this post, it will tell you about the church ladies, church ladying (iykyk). They didn't understand the title or why I, Youth minister, Religion Teacher, choir member, Ladies Auxiliary member, would even NEED bail money. They were not impressed and had their own opinions about it.  In finally publishing my first collection of poetry, I've really had to remember the sentiment behind what has become a life motto. I am not perfect, but God is and has positioned people in my path that will continually support me and ultimately help me help myself.  The synopsis on the back of  The Atmosphere  gives a pretty clear indication to the reader that they are going to journey down a &

 After years of talking about it, and dreaming about it, my collection of poetry; The Atmosphere, is a published work of art. When my publisher placed that 7"x10," softbound, 72 page book with MY name on the cover and MY picture on the back, I could do nothing but smile. It felt surreal. On my way back to work (I picked them up on my lunchbreak) I cried. I cried the purest, most sincere tears I think I've ever cried since giving birth.  In the last 24 hours, I have been supported and blessed abundantly. I'm grateful. I'm humbled. I've been rendered speechless. I've been riding a wave of bliss. I just feel good. I'm happy.  TODAY I GOT INTO A CAR ACCIDENT Driving back to work today from dropping some books off to some friends, I get hit by a driver making a left turn. Personally, I hate left turns. As you can see my baby got pretty banged up. God is faithful. Like Forest Gump would say, "and that's all I'm going to say about that."   W

  Imposter Syndrome is a psychological occurrence which an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud. A friend of mine got me hip to the idea of imposter syndrome a couple of years ago. When I looked into it and fully learned what it was, I felt like a fraud for even thinking I was gifted enough to THINK I deal with imposter syndrome.  That's a mental conundrum if I've ever seen one.  It's an overwhelming feeling to know that you are gifted. It's an even more phenomenal experience when you share your gift and people actually appreciate you and that gift. I feel like I'm stuck between wanting to fully immerse myself into the world where my gifts lead me and being just wanting to continue to see myself as a supporting actor.  I'm an overthinker. My overthinking causes anxiety. My anxiety tells me that I should stop.  I START TYPING THIS BLOG.  It's easy for the people in my bu

 So I started a thing yesterday. Or should I say that I restarted a thing that I had already restarted. Did you get that? No? It's okay. That's how my life reads most of the time. I've started to blog again. BIG WHOOP... I shared it.  That's not the headline. NANCI J. THE WRITER PUBLISHES UNPROOFED BULLSHIT. That. That's the headline. In sharing it prematurely, I got the feedback that I so desperately asked for in the last blog and it was from one of my good friends. All she said was, "I love this. (As a writer, you might want to proof read it, but the message reads the same)." She was right. She was 1000% correct and I brushed it off as if she had no right telling me what I should or should not be doing as a writer (even parenthetically). I hadn't even said thank you before my response was, "Noticed the one mistake (Goodle) it read the way I needed it to." As if I had just written a Pulitzer Prize winning article. Arrogance.  I go on Faceboo

I just went to Google and typed "is there a word that means excited and nervous at the same time?" The word that popped up was frisson . A frisson is a thrilling shiver.-- vocabulary.com I think that is the best way to explain how I'm feeling right now. I've not taken the time out to blog in quite some time. Right when I thought I would start again life hit me with a combo that knocked me out for a little while. So here I am again, putting my heart on the line, hoping that these words can connect to something tangible. In the next few days, I will have a collection of poetry published. It will be produced and hopefully consumed in mass which also causes a sense of frisson. While there isn't a coincidence between my finally coming back home to this blog and my book coming out; I know that it's time that it's time for BOTH.  I've learned so much in the last few years and I want to share it. I think it would be selfish to sit on the gifts that God has giv

I'm still here. Let me say that again: I... Am... Still...Here. It seems like an eternity since I've decided to do this. Over two years to be exact. In those two years, I've faced some devastating losses, realized just how amazing some of the relationships in my life are, continued this fight with anxiety and depression, but most importantly; I've survived. One of the reasons that I think I have not shared parts of my life with you all for so long is because I have been frozen in fear. Fear that my sharing my life and the struggles that I have is exposing pieces of myself left me open for rejection, ridicule, and resentment. I was (and still am) scared of being this vulnerable but I've come to the point right now that I know that God has given me these tests so that I can share my testimony. I know it sounds cliche but it's true. I'm not alone in my struggles and I NEED for anyone reading this who may also struggle to know that you are not alone either.